Breathe

I'm looking forward to this weekend!!
I don't think we have any plans!! Two weekends in a row like that!! I might just get spoiled.
I am just in need of stopping and breathing.
Mr Miagi (sp) told Daniel in Karate Kid that when everything is going wrong, or you feel out of control you have to return to main function of life. Breathe. In through the nose, out through the mouth!! wax on wax off ...nevermind, I got carried away. LOL
Anyway, yesterday and today have been very tough days!! I am longing for a good day.
Yesterday, I was mad at the world and today isn't any better!! So today, I have been trying to breathe. I don't know if I ever took a breath yesterday!!
Sorry, I'll finish another day...

Random

As I sit at the office drinking my 2nd cup of coffee (mmmmm), my mind is wandering to nothing in particular. That is happening a lot lately. Nice break from constantly being worried about college funds, retirement funds, future stuff. I've been focusing a lot more on the present lately. The here and now. I havn't talked a great deal about my follow up appointment last week, so I guess this is as good a time as any to get thoughts off my chest.
There is permanent damage to my heart, which obviously I was hoping against!! There is a very good chance that I will get to experience another heart attack again at some point in my life, even if I continue eating healthier, losing weight, not smoking, blah blah blah. Anyway, not the kind of news I was hoping for when at that visit, but the kind of news I got. Needless to say, Thursday and Friday weren't great days!! I was feeling sorry for myself and all that entails. Mad, ticked, sad, upset...etc.
Anyway, since none of us knows the time designated for our final breath here, I guess now I'm just like the rest of you mortals; one day I will die. I guess that I was not aware of this before that Dr appointment!! Crazy huh?
I can start walking and such. I will also be going to cardiac rehab (whatever that means). And hopefully in a month or so, I might be able to play a little softball. We will have to see.
Thank you for all your prayers during this time. I do continue to ask for them for a while longer!!
C

What? R U Kidding?

Political Post Warning!!
If you don't want to be informed of the way politics works or if you don't want my opinion....
Leave Now.
Otherwise...enjoy:

Obama says his proposal for the 2010 fiscal year that begins Oct. 1 projects that the estimated $1.3 trillion deficit he has inherited from former President Bush will be halved to $533 billion by 2013. That's a difference of 9.2 percent of the overall economy now vs. 3 percent in four years.

Is he kidding? Does he think we are morons? What?
First of all, lets make sure there is plenty of blame to go around (since he placed blame before he makes his "promise" of reduction).
As of Sept 30th 2008, the federal government had run deficit of $450 billion dollars for that fiscal year. The bank bailout bill, which was supported by A LOT more democrats than Republicans and one of the Yes votes was by none other than Senator Obama himself added the extra $800 or some odd billion (Of which Bush only spent half - he left the other half for the Obama administration to spend!! (have you heard what we spent that on?? or was there no "transparancy"?)) to the deficit to which the President is referring. In Sept the congressional budget office was projecting that the next fiscal year deficit would be around $460 to $470 billion dollars. But now, our President vows to us that HE will "reduce" the yearly deficit to $40 billion more than that, but it will take until the end of his first term in 2013? Maybe I should have taken some college accounting classes, because I think I would be fired if I vowed to do that in my next management meeting!! So, basically, just for your info, the President is saying, the National Debt is going to increase approx. 6 trillion dollars over the course of his first term, but it is President Bush's fault? Already campaigning for 2013? Anyway, under President Bush the National debt increased $5 Trillion dollars (8 years/ 2 terms)and liberals called him the worst President in history. If it increases another $6 Trillion under Obama in 4 years/1 term what does that make him?

You have to love politics!! Problem is, not many people currently see that our government is bankrupt. We owe currently over 10 Trillion dollars to foreign countries!!

Weekend of rest

No plans. How good does that sound leaving work on Friday afternoon and knowing you have nothing planned for the weekend?? Sounds boring except for that rare weekend when it is perfect and this weekend was perfect!!
Saturday we spent at the house and were flipping channels when we saw the first part of Gone with The Wind on some station. 12 hours later it was over. (Joking) But it is a LONG movie. Then Donna and I got in the kitchen together, something we don't do a lot, but are starting to and I LOVE it!!
Sunday we got to go to church!! Bible Study was incredible, as always!! and worship was amazing!! Andrea Helton and Drew Startup, both sang solos and were both INCREDIBLE!!! Pastor taught on prayer, which is an area of my life that has been improving, but needs more improving!! It was a great time of worship with my church family, and my God!!
Sunday afternoon gave way to a nice Sunday nap!! Which then led to Donna and I back in the kitchen!! WONDERFUL!!! I would tell you the menu for both days, but don't want to make you jealous!! LOL.
I know a lot of my friends have been dealing with sickness, either themselves or children, so I pray for rest and healing for those going through this crud that is hitting us right now!!

Hey self, listen to me!

Ever witnessed to yourself? I would have said no, right up until yesterday!! I did not have a good report from the doctor. Donna went with me and we both left a little upset. When she dropped me off at work, I read my previous blog entry, and it witnessed to me. That may sound strange, but fact it is.
It has got to be frustrating for God, in his perfection, looking down on us, his children, and seeing us happy in him one minute, then calling out to him in despair in the next. Praising him one day and crying to him the next. Asking him for challenges one day, and praying he "takes the cup away" the next day.
Forgive me my God when I embarrass you with my lack of faith. I am weak and you are strong.

Can your iron swim??

Doug turned me on to a devotion book called "Morning and Evening" by Charles Spurgeon. I started it at the beginning of this month, but am trying to "catch up" since it is a year long by dates. So I am doing a couple a night until I "catch up". So far it has been amazing. I will be perfectly honest and tell you that I have NEVER had a regular devotion time with God until this year. Pretty sad, to be honest, but as with all things in God, totally rectifyable (if that is a word!).
Anyway last night, was an incredible time and two of the devotion completely struck me as stuff that I am going through (and some others). I wanted to share them:
1st - 2 Kings 6:5-6 NIV - But as one of them was cutting a tree, his ax head fell into the river. Oh sir, he cried. It was a borrowed ax. Where did it fall asked Elisha. When he showed him the place, Elisha cut a stick and threw it into the water at that spot. Then the ax head floated to the surface.
Iron can't float. Period. Right?
Can our God still perform miracles? Can our God still fix broken things? Can our God still calm the sea? Can a piece of iron STILL float???

I BELIEVE IT!!

What about you?

You hear of a marriage heading for divorse, when God changes things and the iron floats...

You hear of an alcoholic or drug addict that can't get away and God changes things and the iron floats...

What about someone that you have prayed for, with no results, then God changes things, and the iron floats.

What is your iron?

Do you BELIEVE it can float?

If Elisha threw a stick in the Jordan and cause iron to float, and if Jesus called inside the tomb and told Lazarus to come out, WHAT CAN'T GOD DO?

He can't get us through a tough economy? Please.

He can't heal? Please, he woke the dead!

He can't save the person you are praying for? Please, he saved a thief while he was dying on the Cross!!

He can't take away an addiction? Please, come ask, I'll prove him on that!!

Joke: A bar opens up near a church. The church members start to pray that God would cast away this evil near their campus. A few months later the bar has to close due to lack of business. The bar owner sues the church claiming God had caused his business to die. The church claimed that was absurd and the judge should award nothing to the bar owner. The judge spoke saying, let me get this straight, I have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer but an entire church congregation that doesn't?

I BELIEVE!!

2nd - 2 Samuel 7:25 NIV And now, O Lord God, I am your servant; do as you have promised concerning me and my family. Confirm it as a promise that will last forever.

What has God promised you?

According to Mr. Spurgeon in Morn & Even God delights in us reminding Him of His promises. Of course, not that he forgets, but more over that we show ourselves desparate for Him. His presence, His healing, His help, His grace, His mercy. God doesn't get tired of us coming to Him!! Precisely the opposite, He delights in it!!

I needed to hear that, and I hope someone out there in "readerville" did too!!

I don't like that my children are growing up!!

Yesterday:
Donna takes Grif into our bank. He sits down in a chair, crosses his legs, and like a business man, tells the teller that he would like to withdraw $110 from his account. She asks him all the pertanant info to pull up his account and he gives her all the proper answers. She hands him his $110.00 and they thank her and leave.
Then he has Donna drive him to GameStop, where he hands the associate the $110.00 to purchase Guitar Hero for our Wii.
My boy is growing up toooooo fast!!
On a side note, it would appear after one night of playing it that Guitar Hero is "da bomb"!! LOL

Thank you God for the gift of Griffin and Bailey!!

Dr Appointment

My "biggest" follow up appointment so far was today. I had an echocardiogram and a stress test. The stress test went well. It was good to feel active again, after a month of no running, etc... I made it to level 5 of the test, which was 5miles per hour at a 12 or 14 (I can't remember) degree incline. That got my heart rate upto 175 beats per minute. It felt incredible to have a little sweat rolling down my cheeks!! I know that probably sounds dumb, but IT FELT AWESOME to move again.
Anyway, I will get the results back a week from today, and hopefully the echo will show no permanent damage and that the area of my heart where the attack occured has strengthened back up!! And hopefully the Dr will see that at 175 beats per minute, my heart can take a little physical activity!! I'm not asking him to let me run a marathon tomorrow, but it sure would be nice to jog a mile or two a day to get everything started rehabing..... But he went to school to be a cardiologist and I didn't so I will listen to him. (I put that sentence in for my baby!!).
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Doug called me the other day and told me "Phillipians"!!! That's all, just Phillipians. He said he was doing an "obedience" thing and doing what God told him to do!! I was FLOORED!! I love it when God lays something on my heart, that I share with someone and it blesses them!! BUT it doesn't happen to me too often!! So, when Doug told me that, I wanted to see what God was saying!!
Well, If you have studied Phillipians, you know that it is a letter from Paul to the church at Phillipi. Paul wrote it in prison, in chains, STILL praising God and encouraging others while in a personal torment (I would imagine being in prison, like he was is torment!!) Anyway the entire letter is amazing encouragement to the church at Phillipi and to ME (even in 2009, don't try to tell me the Bible is a historical piece of literature not relevant to today's time!!; but I digress...). Paul starts with a prayer that is very special to me, because I prayed using Paul's words at my grandfathers funeral in 2000!! Talk about an attention getter. (I had forgotten that the prayer was in Phillipians!!)
I thank my God in all my remembrance of you. In every prayer with joy I feel for you. I thank my God for your fellowship in the Gospel, from the very first day til now, I thank my God for you. And I am sure that he who began this good work in you will bring it to completion at the day Christ.
Amazing!!! Thank you Doug!! The entire chapter was INCREDIBLE to me!! It encouraged me, convicted me, and spoke to me!! God had something to say, and I listened!! I LOVE that! Thank you Doug!!
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The "stimulus" plan congress is getting ready to pass and the President is getting ready to sign is CRAP!! Take it to the bank that we will experience double digit inflation in Obama first term!! I say first term, because I think we may just be at a place in our country where "we" will elect him again!! Anyway, it is CRAP. That's all I have to say about that!!

Craig

Doctors, work, life

The doctors told me that I would experience some forms of depression. The whole "why me" syndrome, I guess. Depression is a funny thing. One minute I seem and feel fine, the next I am in a funk. I don't know how much to attribute to medication, or how much to attribute it to post heart attack normalcies. I don't know. The amount of things I don't know is overwhelming. Anyway, I feel stupid. Crying at the drop of a hat, wanting to be alone (more than normal), angry for no reason (at anyone and everyone). I don't like this point in my life very much. Very strange for me!!
I have been praying more regularly than I ever have. Which is a good thing, but last night I was realizing that something was wrong. As I pray, I get interupted every 2 minutes with random stupid thoughts. When I am thanking and praising God for something, everything seems to be good, but at the first request for strength, or wisdom, or job security, or healing (not just selfish requests, but even requests for friends or family or strangers) it is like whoops the party at the other end of the line hung up. I don't know if this makes any sense whatsoever!?!?! It doesn't much to me. I feel heavy. There is so much I want to ask God for, strength especially, that I feel like I can't right now. Frustrating is not the work. It doesn't even come close. Anyway, last night I was praying and the same thing was going on, and I couldn't stand it. I was mad, upset, mad, sad, mad, afraid, and did I mention mad? I did something that I havn't done in along time. I allowed myself to doubt if God even exists.
Why aren't you answering?
Why are you leaving me alone to deal with this $($%#&*(??
What am I doing wrong?
Are you even there?
I feel more than ashamed to congess all of this, and I will not continue, because I got down right beligerant. I was a kid throwing a tantrum. Well, worse.
The culmination didn't stop time, or cause the world to end, but it stopped ME in my tracks:
The last question I asked was:
Why aren't you listening??
In an instant I realized I pray just fine, but I listen like a little kid being told to go to bed. I am not even close to being an adult christian. That is sobering to say!! Our pastor wants us to cultivate a relationship with "one", invite that "one", share with that "one", pray for that "one", and hopefully eventually offer that share God's plan of salvation with that "one". BUT can you explain how someone is supposed to share the bread of life with someone, when God is still having to puree mine and feed me like a baby?
So, for the next little while He told me to just pray praise and thanksgiving. No requests? NO. No asking for.. NO. What about..NO. Just be thankful. So, until told otherwise, that is what I am going to do.
To be totally truthful, that scares me. There are A LOT of things I WANT to be praying for.
Upcoming Stress Test
Upcoming Echocardiogram
Doctors wisdom and decisions
Depression
My family
Job Security
Caroline's healing (which I have been praying daily for since summer.)
Jay's health
The life and future of our church
Smoking (3weeks and 3 days!!)
So.... for now.... THANKS AND PRAISE ONLY. I will be still and KNOW that He is God.