Doctors, work, life

The doctors told me that I would experience some forms of depression. The whole "why me" syndrome, I guess. Depression is a funny thing. One minute I seem and feel fine, the next I am in a funk. I don't know how much to attribute to medication, or how much to attribute it to post heart attack normalcies. I don't know. The amount of things I don't know is overwhelming. Anyway, I feel stupid. Crying at the drop of a hat, wanting to be alone (more than normal), angry for no reason (at anyone and everyone). I don't like this point in my life very much. Very strange for me!!
I have been praying more regularly than I ever have. Which is a good thing, but last night I was realizing that something was wrong. As I pray, I get interupted every 2 minutes with random stupid thoughts. When I am thanking and praising God for something, everything seems to be good, but at the first request for strength, or wisdom, or job security, or healing (not just selfish requests, but even requests for friends or family or strangers) it is like whoops the party at the other end of the line hung up. I don't know if this makes any sense whatsoever!?!?! It doesn't much to me. I feel heavy. There is so much I want to ask God for, strength especially, that I feel like I can't right now. Frustrating is not the work. It doesn't even come close. Anyway, last night I was praying and the same thing was going on, and I couldn't stand it. I was mad, upset, mad, sad, mad, afraid, and did I mention mad? I did something that I havn't done in along time. I allowed myself to doubt if God even exists.
Why aren't you answering?
Why are you leaving me alone to deal with this $($%#&*(??
What am I doing wrong?
Are you even there?
I feel more than ashamed to congess all of this, and I will not continue, because I got down right beligerant. I was a kid throwing a tantrum. Well, worse.
The culmination didn't stop time, or cause the world to end, but it stopped ME in my tracks:
The last question I asked was:
Why aren't you listening??
In an instant I realized I pray just fine, but I listen like a little kid being told to go to bed. I am not even close to being an adult christian. That is sobering to say!! Our pastor wants us to cultivate a relationship with "one", invite that "one", share with that "one", pray for that "one", and hopefully eventually offer that share God's plan of salvation with that "one". BUT can you explain how someone is supposed to share the bread of life with someone, when God is still having to puree mine and feed me like a baby?
So, for the next little while He told me to just pray praise and thanksgiving. No requests? NO. No asking for.. NO. What about..NO. Just be thankful. So, until told otherwise, that is what I am going to do.
To be totally truthful, that scares me. There are A LOT of things I WANT to be praying for.
Upcoming Stress Test
Upcoming Echocardiogram
Doctors wisdom and decisions
Depression
My family
Job Security
Caroline's healing (which I have been praying daily for since summer.)
Jay's health
The life and future of our church
Smoking (3weeks and 3 days!!)
So.... for now.... THANKS AND PRAISE ONLY. I will be still and KNOW that He is God.